"The desert bears only a scathing sun, and nothing more."
"What about mirages?"

Friday, August 5, 2016

Nacreous Bottom

I let them take over
The small machinations
Of a part of my mind
That they said
Was better left unloved.
With every pinnacle
Every peak
Every jagged faced mountain
I've ever scoured,
You will always come down
At some point
And it will be
Ineffable
Inescapable
Unmistakable
A deep blue
a nacreous bottom
In some ways
Those moments
Make me feel
Nascent
Like I have just been born
Like I have yet to live
Like the last 23 years
Are a drop
In a river
And they drift away--
Nothing at all.

Thursday, March 17, 2016

A Welcome Distraction.

I catch you
Slipping through
My mind--
Every day
I get distracted
From my thoughts
They feel contracted
Like water receding
From cool blue tide pools.
You are a moon
And your gravitational pull
Has me
So grounded in you
That my head
Sways and crashes
Like waves
On an ocean.

Saturday, March 12, 2016

I never ran away but I tried.

My mother adds
A shade to my dark
When she asks me
If I remember the time
I tried to run away.
I wouldn't have
Gotten far
I had less gas
Than a parked car
Three packs of instant noodles
A fresh faced scar
And my favorite blanket.
She thought it was funny
But it also broke her heart
To know
The turmoil I was facing
Was not something
She could control
Or handle
Or fix
Or do anything about.
Our life was just a bunch
Of crappy circumstances
Exacerbated
By a fist's
Unruly advances.
It made me sad
To know that I hurt her so
Much.
I never wanted to.
I never thought of her.
I was just tired and scared.
And that's why I'm crying
At the dinner table
As she tells this story:
Because I forgot
How she was always there
And I wasn't alone.
Even if I felt it right
In the core of my soul.
I was never alone.


Hearts.

She could break my heart
into 1000 pieces
and I would pick
them all up,
number them 0 to 999
press them back together
with superglue
and bent up euphemisms
and drop my heart
right back in her hands.
She said
"I could never do that to you."
But you did.
Over and over.
Every day.
Until I couldn't find all the pieces
anymore.
And it wouldn't matter anyways
cause you can only fix
a broken thing
so many times before
it becomes unrecognizable.

Saturday, March 5, 2016

Erode.

Why do you hold this power over me?
I am leaves ripped from branches
I am trees torn from the earth
I am erosion
Of soil and stone.
I hate that I let you do this
I hate that I can’t control it
I hate that my fate
Is to continue
To let you wear me away
Until I am
Nothing but
A never ending canyon
A winding river
The deep crevice
Of an underground cavern.

Thursday, March 3, 2016

What You Do.

Her eyes cut through me.
A hot blade through cold butter.
Her eyes gut punch me.
A hammer to the head of a nail.
Her hands still hold me.
An anchor clinched around coral.
Her hands move through me.
An automatic rifle kicking out after firing.

I don't know if she knows.
I want her to want me.
I see that she sees
her special effect is affecting me.

Wednesday, February 24, 2016

After A Breakup.

I'm afraid to admit
I feel sort of out of it.
I'm just too tired I think
To invest the time
To step off the brink
I can't continue to lie
And say I'm fine
And turn around
And die every night.
Every night
A little bit of me dies.
Hi,
Do you care at all?
Hi,
Did you ever?
Hi,
It's been a while,
Want to catch up over coffee?
Hi,
Did you know you've damaged me?
Hi.
How are you?
I miss you.
I wish I could kiss you.
I wish I could forget you.
I wish I could relive you.
I wish I could be without you.
I wish I was whole without you.
I want to be whole again.

Seven Minutes in Heaven.

She said,
"Lay down and
let's look at the stars and
wonder
about all the places
there are,"
I almost told her,
"I'd rather look at you
because
I wonder where you are and
where you've been and
what's under your skin and
how can I get there--
Those deep blue
tide pools
where crustaceans
find heaven
where doe eyed teens
count to seven:
The number of minutes
I want to spend in
space with you."

What it's like.

My heart sings poetry,
but my brain can't motivate me
to get dressed
hand and pen pressed
to paper fated
to wait with bated
breath.
I'm so tired
of all the liars
singing in my head.
If I could be free of them--
these ravenous thoughts--
I count to ten,
look again,
I see them still:
Those dark sentient
beasts
that only I can
kill.

Saturday, January 30, 2016

The First Time.

I fill my time with people
In part
Because I'm scared
To admit defeat
To go home
And face this disease.
I'm afraid to be alone
With these thoughts--
They pinch each
Fibre of me
So much pressure
Behind my eyes
That it's all I feel--
This pain.
It feels good to hit something
Tear it down
And hate it,
Even if its me.
Skin flushed
Under fist.
Tomorrow it will blossom
And remind me
Of those thoughts,
And I'll ache
At the next dreaded night
Of trying to battle
With the inevitable:
Swollen eyes
Stinging cheeks
Singing limbs
Splintered teeth.
I hope one day
I'm strong enough
To face this.