"The desert bears only a scathing sun, and nothing more."
"What about mirages?"

Thursday, December 17, 2009

Not Happy, Not Happy At All.

Enough said. Fricken christ, boys are so tactless and stupid! I mean, seriously, why would you even pretend to show interest and be super kind and as gorgeous as you are if you don't really have a thing for me?

I just keep getting my heart ripped out.

Tuesday, December 15, 2009


I'm feeling these
long lost feelings.
The vague imprint
of it,
still in my memory.

Withered Butterflies,
that flutter again.
The pounding of
my quiet heart,
shaking my whole
world up.

What have
you done
to me?

- - -

So this insight of new boys, one new boy. :)

Sunday, December 13, 2009

Broken Ties Leave Me Open to Discussion.

Well, since it's pretty much official now, I'll just come straight out and say it.

Mike and I have indeed broken up. It wasn't like a huge drama story, I didn't cry for days on end, nor am I/did I bash him and all his friends. No, it was quiet, mutual, and best of all, relatively painless. Most people will probably find out over Facebook.

I'm not saying that I'm happy about it. But I will say that I truly feel that it was the best thing that could happen. For both him and myself. No more worrying, no more fighting, no more misunderstandings, do nothings, or lonliness.

So, now that I'm single, I can focus on myself and what I need to do for a little while. Not that I don't already have my sights set on someone else. ;)

More later.

Tuesday, December 8, 2009


Can't rid the chill
from my bones.
I think my heart
is freezing over.
What will it take
to thaw the
frostbitten marrow?
Please say you'll
love me,
because only the
meaning warms
my fingertips.

- - -

In light of the minus 30 and lower weather.

Inhale, Exhale. Angst, Awaaaay!!

So I realize that the past few weeks most of my posts have been angry rants, more or less about my boyfriend, my life, and god knows what else I've found to cry about.

Let me just say this: I don't know what's going to happen yet. I feel like the only way to get through this whole thing is to think things through, calmly and rationally. I'm not going to make any brash moves, but that isn't to say that Michael and I won't break up. I want to say that it's all his fault, that he doesn't give me enough of himself, enough time, enough things.

But I know, and it's really deeply rooted in me, that everything that has led up to this point has been all my fault. But I'm not going to say I'm sorry, because I can't be sorry for who I am.

Anyways, enough of the pity party.

Sometime soon, probably after the Chirstmas Holiday, I'm going to put up some more prose. Looking back, I've realized that I haven't written too much lately, so I'm gonna hunker down and get to that. I can see my dream of becoming an accomplished writer, very slowly slipping out of sight. Sad face. So I gotta get back on track and keep up my writing.

So stay tuned for some actually decent prose.

Monday, December 7, 2009


Lost in worthless
Can't halt the
noise that
cascades like
falling ribbons
of water.

Tired of listening
to pointless sorries.
Tired of concluding
that I'm the only one
who views
with unclouded

No tunnel sight
for me,
I grasp it all.

So sick of
The Narcissist.

_ _ _

Okay, not really sure if this peice even makes any sense, but I love the way it just completely emulates teenage society. Flawed and beautiful, but we choose not to see the flaws, think only of ourselves, keep talking even though there's nothing to say. And aren't we all like that? We've all got a bit of Narcissism in us, I think.

Grr. Thanks to Kendra, Brandi, Catherine, Jenna, and Michael. You've spurred my angry, evocative side.

Now you're gonna get the horns.

Boys Who Whink They're Men But Are Not Really Men Who Are Actually Worse Than Girls Are Really Stupid.

Like, fricken god.

You'd think that when a guy's been saying "I love you so much," for freaking eight months, they'd actually mean it. I'm so sick and tired of feeling like I'm being lied to all the time. I'm sick and tired of being out of the loop and I'm so fucking tired of trying to tell him what I'm thinking, how I'm feeling. I'm tired of saying sorry, because of course, it always my fault. Cough, sarcasm, cough.

Maybe it is all my fault, that this relationship is very slowly slipping down the clogged drain. The high of lust and desire can only hold up the foundations of love for so long, and even though I'm sure I love him, I'm not sure if I do for the right reasons.

Well, fuck it all, isn't that just a blast of reality?

Maybe its the people we know that rip us apart and send us bounding in different directions. Like stupid Jenna. Stupid Ellie. Stupid Matt, who has girls chasing after him, who has people screaming at him at every point of his life; he can never do right. And then I try to protect him, becasue I'm passionate about fairness and the understanding of other's points. But then I'm in the wrong.

Like, what the hell? Why can I never be right? Am I simply to argumentative? Too moody/emotional? Too disarming, too set on the way that things are? Maybe some of us can never be happy.

Anyways, whatever. If it's time for this to end, then it will end. And if not, then it won't. I just have to try and give it my all, prove to him that I still love him, make him understand that I'll fight for and against what I love.

Thursday, December 3, 2009

These Cold Days Bring Change.

It's true. The month of December, although only three days in, has brought on a few new things with. The cold blistery days mean no more late evening walks, no more leaving the house without a toque and gloves, no more sunny days. Just grey, chilling, and stressful.

All of a sudden and in a rush, I've found myself worrying about what to get this person and that person, I'm worrying about getting time off work to visit with friends and family, what to do with my ever changing relationship with my boyfriend.

So, an update of some of the good things that have happened during the Chirtsmas season so far:

1. Joplin has finally given birth to seven wonderful, healthy puppies. Four girls and three boys. Most have her gorgeous brindle fur, but two of them are more caramell in color, taking after the traditional Pug in them. One of them is a little deformed; she's got a head that's a little too big for her body and you can already tell she's gonna have real bulgy eyes. She has been heralded as Helmet. Poor thing.

2. I've finally gotten a haircut! My hair, which I had allowed to grow out over the past three months, was about shoulder length. I kept my chin length bangs, but hacked all the rest off to about an inch. My ears have never been colder.

3. I've decided to stretch out my ears. Not like, super huge or anything, but to about a zero gauge. That's approximately six milimeters across.

Anyways, I'll tell you more about all this at a later date. Chow!